Giving you my heart was probably the worst thing I've ever done with a crystal clear mind. It’s been nine more years since I last saw your face, but every thought of you still feels fresh like bread out of the oven. It takes me back to all the days that made sense, when loving you was all I had to look up to every day when I wake up every morning, when waiting for a transport to school was the most wonderful part of every day as I was going to see your face in that transport
Sometimes I wish I could hear you telling me about all the beautiful things in life, how good your life has been since I last saw you, how happy you’ve been. Sometimes I wish I could watch you smile, laugh non-stop with that thick voice I loved so much. Sometimes I wish I could just lie down with you, say nothing at all while I watch you fall asleep. Sometimes I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, how I would jump to say yes for that one chance to be with you even if it’s just for a day
You completed me when I needed something to fill the emptiness in me, that’s probably the reason I keep wondering how it would have turned out if we had given it a try I noticed how you felt about me, that’s probably the reason I keep wondering how it would have turned out if you never allowed fear to shadow every effort I put in to make you see how much you meant to me
Time heals, no doubt about that, but sometimes I feel like it enjoys teasing me when it reminds me of all the beautiful and sweet things that made me fall helplessly for you. It seems to enjoy to watch me miserable, lost to what was once a sweet thought about you when it visualizes it all for me to reminisce about, when it reminds me of how good every thought of you once was knowing exactly that it can't be changed, it can’t be reversible for me to have that feeling again as it was.
I miss you, all the written words in every paper can tell you that, but they will never describe how much, draw the picture to visualize how much.
I blamed me for my broken heart, even though you were responsible for it because my love for you never allowed me to see any faults in you. I tried to figure out for so many times what exactly did I do wrong, but I came up with everything you did wrong. Strangely, my love for you won’t allow me to say you were wrong. It just points everything to me as the reasons it all happened, because I let it.
Silence was loud, making it clear we weren't going anywhere, but I heard nothing because all I wanted to do was hold on hoping things will change for the better. I kept trying to make it work even when it was not necessary to. Your absence, your excuses, made it all clear we weren't going anywhere, sadly I kept trying to make it work because the moments I had with you made me feel like a brand new man. Nothing mattered because you made me complete, forgetting every wrong, blaming myself to even think of leaving you instead of trying a little harder because it felt so good
I count the times, nights and days, I called with no one picking it up I count the plans we made, but they all vanished as the week progresses because something would come up I find no fault in me because I was not the reason for any of that, but I still blame myself still
I wonder if you got all my messages, they all found a way into your inbox, opening my heart inside out to you Because it’s clear they never found a way to your heart, as silence was the reply to all of them But still, I sadly miss you when every song that once reminded me of you comes in every playlist on every Sunday afternoon
Wherever you are, I hope you are loved and everything is going exactly as you wished every time you let me lay on your thighs watching those beautiful balling eyes blink with pain inside Wherever you are, I hope your heart is filled with happiness as it was all you wished for when I held you tight, listening to your heartbeat wishing to never let go I know you had dreams but I'd feel great to hear everything is just exactly as how you wanted it to be.
